Thursday, April 24, 2014

When you are at your Witts End....then what?

Have you ever had one of those days when nothing goes right?  You are exhausted and can't seem to wake up.  Coffee doesn't work, candy doesn't and you don't even have enough mental capacity to do anything?  Your stress level soars out of control.  You can't seem to get it together and then to have a screaming toddler who keeps coming at you and at you and at you.  What do you do?

A long time ago when he was little, that was one night at our house.  One night I hate.  It was awful and I don't even like to think about it.  I choose to look on the positive side of things so going back gets me rattled.  People read about many good things that go on in my son's life, our lives and I prefer that but let's get real.  There are also dark sides to having a child with autism. 

This one particular night was horrible.  He was so little.  We didn't know he was autistic.  I had a newborn.  When my son was little he never slept.  I had no idea how he could even function.  It seemed so odd.  He would wake up every 3 hours and was like that for so many years.  Every single night he would get up.  Then add breastfeeding a newborn to that one and guess how much sleep I would get?  Sometimes hubby and I would be talking and I would have absolutely no idea what the heck he would be talking about.  There are events, days, weeks that I couldn't recollect and it still happens.  Sleep deprivation. 

Back to the day.  There was no sleep for me.  My son was particularly cranky and wanted full on attention that day.  It was difficult for me to juggle the two kids because I wasn't able to think clearly.  That early night, my daughter was sleeping and I needed a moment to myself.  Just 5 minutes.  That's all I wanted.  I put my son in his room and he started crying then yelling then screaming.  Screaming.  That's all I heard.  I had had it.  He needed to stop because if he woke up his sister I swear!!  Hubby was working long hours and he too wasn't getting much sleep either.  He needed to work...he was the only income.  All my son had to do was go into his room, filled with toys for 5 minutes so I could regroup myself.  That doesn't sound like much.  Just 5 freaking minutes.

But no.  No.  No.  No.  The screaming was loud, I was starting to freak out.  I kept putting him back in his room and trying to shut the door but he kept running after me straight to the door.  Over and over again.  I started crying.  He was screaming.  I started yelling.  He kept screaming.  I was yelling and sobbing at this point and trying to keep him in his room.  All I wanted was to close the door.  5 minutes.  All the sudden my husband came up the stairs and started grabbing my arm and yelling at me.  I didn't know what the hell was going on.  I started to put my son back into his room and hubby started yelling at me.  Crying, sobbing I lost it.   I turned to hubby and told him to get my son out of my face.  I ran down the stairs and outside.  Sobbing.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  I lost it.  I didn't hit him.  I wanted to screaming to stop.  I only wanted 5 minutes to myself.  Just 5 minutes. 

This night still haunts me.  I feel like it was such a low as a parent.  I don't like to think about it.  I had no where to go for peace and quiet.  There wasn't anyone I could talk to that would understand.  I felt so alone.  We felt so alone, hubby included.  So when the Grape Jelly on Pizza readers tell me how they feel I do understand.  We all go through this at some point and if you don't, then you are blessed.  Go ahead and tell me about your lows, you won't be judged.  You will find others do understand. 

That was so long ago.  Things have changed.  My son now sleeps for the most part which means I catch some Zs also.  We also have a great relationship.  That will be another blog, another day. 

He was only 19 months when he refused to sleep in his crib
anymore, so he got his big boy bed. 

1 comment:

  1. So many times i feel like this my daughter screams and my son makes these really annoying noises no one on the spectrum yet but the twins are catching on to the screaming